The first thing they saw was each other. Both woke up simultaneously at the bottom of the wave pool at Busch Gardens. Frantically swimming to the surface like foam from a shaken beer can, the McNugget twins noticed they were alone — Alone in Bush Gardens. They’re last memory was of jubilation as they sleepily floated down the lazy river, Colada in hand. Usually the lazy river was the turded toilet of the theme park world, being used as a race track by hyperactive youngsters whose parents cooking skills began and ended with the Hot Pocket. Today was different however, they got their inner tubes without incident and began to float down the partially shaded water track like a clumsy fat kid on an ice rink.
So what happened? Why was the park abandoned now? And who just farted? Seriously, I’m trying to tell a story and somebody just freely farts in the middle of it and we’re all supposed to accept it? Grow up guys, seriously.
Anyway, the sun above had just set for the evening and there was no one in Busch Gardens but the McNugget twins. And if you know the McNugget twins like I know the McNugget twins then you know what’s likely to happen next.
Toweling off their bathing suits and gingerly sliding their feet into their flip flops, they scurried to the nearest beverage tent. Like Diglet from Pokemon the McNugget twins began digging through the ice watery coolers for any beers they could find. Twisting off the tops, they began chugging, chugging like champions, chugging like choo choo trains, chugging like only a real American could. See the McNugget twins needed to be drunk if they were going to figure out this mystery. No one abandons a theme park on the 4th of July, especially not Busch Gardens, and I mean no one.
They ran to the nearest pay phone to call their nearest and dearest friend, McDougal. An elderly man from Scandinavia, McDougal always knew what to do in scary situations. After accidentally dialing the wrong number four times they finally rang good ol’ McDougal. McDougal answered, drunk off a calzone and sweating profusely. That’s right kids, McDougal had come down with the meat sweats, perhaps the worst case in years. The McNugget twins couldn’t understand a word McDougal was saying. In fact, McDougal had was so sweaty from the meat lovers calzone that it sounded like someone dropped the phone in a vat of Stubb’s Barbeque sauce.
Instantly a light bulb went off in the heads of the McNugget brothers, it was national meat sweat day. While unconscious at the bottom the Busch Gardens wave pool, three whole days had passed. The park was closed and the workers at Busch Gardens didn’t notice that everyone hadn’t evacuated. A cool wave of relief washed over the McNugget brothers, much like the waves of actual water washing over their lifeless bodies in the wave pool of Busch Gardens for three whole days.
Calmly waling back to their lounge chairs to collect their belongings and proceed to the exit one of the McNugget brothers had an idea – they should get the meat sweats themselves. Twas national meat sweat day after all, and what kind of Americans would they be in they didn’t participate? With the theme park being completely abandoned, they had access to all the meat they could consume. Beef on a stick, Porkinstein (the giant, demonic pork sculpture someone built the day before in honor of meat sweat day), and that oh-so-deliciouso lasagna. Stuffing their mouths like Christmas stockings with all sorts of delicious meats, the McNugget brothers were in paradise, both literally and figuratively. Figuratively because they thoroughly enjoyed eating copious amounts of meat, and literally because the park was decorated with a paradise theme.
Now all this is fine and dandy, but it still leaves one very important question unanswered. How in the world did these two goobers survive at the bottom of a wave pool for three whole days? Not even their dad, Braxton McNugget could do that. Well, the answer is simple if you understand the basic principles of geometry. Try and keep up with me: the McNugget brothers, like most humans can hold their breath for about three minutes before needing to come up for air. The Busch Gardens wave pool was set to go off on a cycle of three minutes. So every time their bodies sunk to the bottom, the wave pool would kick on and toss them to the surface like a spoon unearthing the blueberries at the bottom of a yogurt cup, where they would then breathe again.
One year later – the McNugget brothers arrive at Busch Gardens for national meat sweat day. Marcus, the meat sweat mascot greeted them at the park’s entrance and handed them both a bowl of chicken parmesan. Customary on meat sweat day the McNugget brothers ate the chicky-parm and began to stroll through the park. Memories of that one faithful day ran through their heads as they passed the lazy river and the wave pool. Who knew a simple wave pool timer could save a life, let alone two? Statues were erected in honor of the McNugget brothers for surviving such an event.
Two years later – while roller skating to Busch Gardens for another meat sweat day, a semi truck careening down the road at 45 miles per hour smashed into the McNugget brothers, exploding their bodies like a bowl of uncovered chili in a microwave.
Long live the McNugget brothers, for they taught us a lesson no textbook ever could, the value of a doll hair.